I just realized something: It took me 3 hours to watch this today. Now, I could give you some line about how I kept stopping it cause it insulted my refined music tastes. But I had to jack off 6 times just to get through it (I was chafing). I haven't been this horny since a sick day in 7th grade (which is funny, cause I'm 25 now. And if this experience proves anything, it's that no matter how mature I get, I'll always be a 13-year old inside.)

The video in question is Beautiful Liar, the new one from Beyonce and Shakira (directed by Jake Nava, known for such "master strokes" as Beyonce's Crazy In Love, Baby Boy, and Naughty Girl videos). Currently topping TRL (also known as the Home Shopping Network for record companies), this one plays out like all Beyonce's others: Titillation.

VIDEO: The video starts out with Beyonce and Shakira appearing out of a cloud of smoke. I felt like I was slowly fading into a dream (only, in my dreams they'd be naked, laying on my bed, and begging for me in their respective languages: Shakira in Spanish/Beyonce in Ebonics. Wow, that's not racist- but it's close).

They're then pictured dancing slowly and feeling themselves up with different backdrops behind them: Beyonce in Sun Rise and Shakira in Sunset. Which I can only take to mean that Beyonce's getting more famous by the day, while Shakira's entering the twilight years of TRL-dom (she's 30. That's like 70 in non-star years).

You'll start to notice here that they're made to look alike, with a slight favoring toward Beyonce's style (straight flowing hair and long silk dress- black). Unfortunately, I think Beyonce was hotter in the Crazy In Love video, but I'm not THAT picky. She made me all "rocket-pockets" with the Tina Turner (Ike years) look- wearing the sequined mini skirt, so we can see every ripple in her thigh as she twists and turns........

INTERMISSION: Ok, hoooo. I just gotta, whoa man, allright. Catch my breath. Ok, where was I? Oh, right. Beyonce's never gonna look bad in anything, but I got preferences.

This scene makes up the 1st half of the video, which then dissolves into the 2nd scene, where the two're seen dancing together in the rain. They're now both dressed in Shakira's vintage style (long crimped hair with the tight belly-shirt and shiny black pants- to exaggerate the signature hip thrust). The style makes Beyonce look like Ashanti (little plainer).

The dancing's pretty much the Shakira schtick: the hip wiggling, belly dancing, hair tossing bit. Which is always good for arousing (and causing me to throw a few "thunderous rights" to my mid-section).

The scene, and video, ends there with the two gals pretending to hump a wall. This is pretty amazing (I auditioned for the part of "the wall", but the director turned me down cause "walls don't moan". Whatever, man. That's method acting!)

WRAP UP: 1st half favors Beyonce and the 2nd favors Shakira (maybe it's in the contract). But in the end, they both look good. You're not gonna find a bad outfit with faces like that.

WHAT'S HE THINK OF IT?: I'd have liked it if the video was more conceptual. Like if they tried something really daring- like, say, the first nude/silent music video. What a statement. They'd earn my respect. And what better way to appreciate those "wristwatch" bodies (Beyonce looking like a thick silver Movado: thin on top, then round in the middle, then thin again at the bottom. And Shakira looking like a Swatch Watch: thin on top, a little circle in the middle, and thin again on the bottom. So basically, if you're an Assman, you can't lose. Ya got both ends of the spectrum).

And, well, I'm an Assman- but an equal opportunity one, so I'll take 'em both. Unfortunately though, I don't think I could handle those two in real life. My privates can't that kinda beating.

But honestly, if you could have those two, I think that's when you know you've "made it". Like if you've ever said the words, "Ohhh, can I get you a towel to wipe that up?" to Shakira*. Or if Beyonce's ever innocently said to you, "I've never done this before," and you know she's lying cause of what she was doing to you (finger in your ass = pro)...then you've arrived, man.

*My instincts tell me Shakira's funny in bed. Not funny in that Sarah Silverman "I just said abortion, isn't that hilarious?" kinda way, but funny in that she'd curse in Spanish if you got in a position she liked.