The following is a dramatic re-interpretation of the creative process behind death metal band Mithras' third album, "Behind the Shadows Lie Madness":

RAYNER COSS: Hey, thanks for coming over.

LEON MACEY: No problem, mate. You know how much I love Vampire: The Masquerade.

RAYNER COSS: Ah, actually, I was thinking we could hold off masquerades tonight.

LEON MACEY: Oh bollocks, I brought my cape and everything!

RAYNER COSS: Sorry, mate. I was thinking we could get the band together again.

LEON MACEY: Oh, I don't know. I mean, you can do some mean vocals, but your bass sucks. You really can't compose a good riff.

RAYNER COSS: Yeah, well your drum playing is shite. Really, mate, who taught you how to play, anyway?

LEON MACEY: I figure if I keep the double-bass drum going the whole time, people will think it's proper metal.

RAYNER COSS: Not even your psychedelic guitaring can cover for that terrible, terrible drumming.

LEON MACEY: Yeah, well, your yelling capabilities are rather good. After all, you did do telephone computer technical support. If that doesn't make for proper yelling, I don't know what does.

RAYNER COSS: Even so, I've been having a hard time coming up with song topics for our new album, which I will call "Behind the Shadows Lie Madness". It shows that we really like H. P. Lovecraft, and that we are pretentious.

LEON MACEY: Oh, well let's see if we can think up some other Lovecraftian titles for the songs.

RAYNER COSS: Novel idea, mate.

LEON MACEY: Oh, this sounds good: "Into Black Holes of Oblivion".

RAYNER COSS: A fine name. What about this, "To Where the Sun Never Leaves."

LEON MACEY: Balls, mate, check this out; "The Beacon Beckons".

RAYNER COSS: That sounds crap.

LEON MACEY: Eh, we can make it a synth track.

RAYNER COSS: Fine. Well, we should get cracking on this. Let's practice doing the same riffs over and over again.

LEON MACEY: Right. After that, I'm going to get pissed and come back to play the drums just as sloppily as I possible can.

RAYNER COSS: Brilliant, we already have a contract and a small fan base. They'll eat up any garbage we make, just so they can be cool. That will make us cool.

LEON MACEY: Yes. I will enjoy being cool.

While I really don't like badmouthing the creativity of others, I cannot describe "Behind the Shadows Lie Madness" other than it being ten pounds of shit in a five-pound bag. The merits were the keyboard tracks, the occasional atmospheric soloing and Rayner's ability to conjure up a good death metal growl. The rest of the record was the same riffing over and over, the same death metal growling and nothing but unlistenable bass drum. Let me put into perspective how horrible the bass drum was on this album - I had to turn the bass on my speakers completely off in order to finish listening to the album. Even doing so I found myself under incredible, almost surreal, duress as I listened to the record. I could not imagine music created by so-called musicians being so terrible, yet there it was, into my ears and festering in my brain. Avoid "Behind the Shadows Lie Madness" at all costs.